I hate pictures other people take of me. Might seem crazy since I post a lot of pictures of myself but I get to control everything from how I’m posing to the angle.
When I’m having fun and someone else is taking the pics it’s out of my control.
It’s been an intense week of inner work, feeling all the feelings, and leaning into the discomfort.
When I woke on Saturday morning I was tired with emotions that I physically felt as heaviness and anxiety on my body. I refused to bypass or numb. I let them sit with me all day whilst I tried to figure out what had triggered them overnight.
I went to a party after work and on the drive I kinda realized what had triggered them. Made some notes to talk to my husband and coach about them and turned my focus to the evening.
The staff party was so much fun! I got to hang out with people I like and just relax and eat food I wouldn’t normally (spring rolls 🤤) and enjoyed it.
The next day I saw the pictures.
Why the hell did I wear that outfit? I look awful and chunky and pale.
That angle is terrible.
Who the hell would hire a health coach that looks like that?!!
Legitimate thoughts I had less than 30 minutes ago. Now we have plans to go out and I feel like a giant blob.
I keep coming back to the fun I was having. I recently read an article about pictures and how we zoom in and focus on our flaws instead of seeing the bigger picture.
My bigger picture is connection with coworkers who are friends, beating the other manager in a game of corn hole, jumping for joy when I scored the only point in said game, enjoying food lovingly prepared by friends, getting some much needed social time outside of the confines of work, and wearing clothing that I felt so comfortable in. That is the bigger picture.
As a health coach my job is to support and guide others on their journey. I have to learn that it doesn’t mean I won’t still be on my journey. That I may still have times when I gain weight and lose it again. That I’ll have moments when ego is strong and I’ll think that I don’t look good (even if I know I do) and should lose weight. That the inner work is invaluable in these moments. That doesn’t make my guidance any less valuable. If anything it gives me more tools to help you.
I don’t expect perfection from anyone except myself. That’s a pretty damn high standard. The problem is when I don’t hit my own standard of perfection I judge myself hard, assume others will do the same, and don’t want to share with you the real nitty gritty of the journey. There’s a real vulnerability in sharing when things aren’t as you want/expected.
Funny thing is my body hasn’t changed since last Sunday when I posted a nude selfie and felt amazing! (Guaranteed most of you didn’t realize I was nude and are now going to look at it again 😂).
Leaning into the emotions and writing them down is what really helps me feel them and move through them.
So here I am in all my glory jumping for joy for scoring a point!